home renovation

Dear Cute Girl in the Skinny Jeans on the Flight from Salt Lake to Dallas,

Or should I call you the baby whisperer?  Our conversation was short, but you did ask my son's name.  You smiled at him and said, "It's going to be a great flight, Kaden." After which he promptly fell asleep.  For the entire flight.  I know you said you were once a nanny.  I can't afford to pay you, but maybe you'd like to fly with me every time I go home to visit family?

I look forward to flying with you again soon.

Sincerely,

Dear Grandma on the Flight from Dallas to Raleigh,

Thank you for being a grandma and not a drunk Anthony Bourdain look-alike, who I feared might be a pedophile.  Thank you for letting Kaden peek out the window as often as he liked for the entire flight.  I hope you got to take your bra off when you made it home, as you told me that was what you were most looking forward to.  I can't wait until I'm old, so I can say whatever I want even in public.  You are awesome.

Affectionately,

A Bra-less Woman in Pajamas

Dear Man Who Was Waiting Outside the Airplane Bathroom When Kaden and I Came Out,

I'm sure you were wondering what we were doing in there.

Kaden had a wet diaper that had to be changed.

And then I popped a squat and nursed him right there in that closet of death.

I know it was rude of me to commandeer the restroom for my personal use, while you very well might have needed to desperately tinkle.  I'm sorry, but you try nursing a child in public who is violent while doing so, and refuses to be covered (while maintaining some sense of modesty and privacy).  It's not a pretty sight.  It was a full flight, and desperate times call for desperate measures.  In fairness, I kept it as short as possible and gave him a snack and not a full meal.

Apologetically,

A Milk Mama

Dear Heat and Humidity,

Go away.  I hate you. 

  

I think we all know that in the crazed stupor you are sure to induce for me, I will likely say and do things I can only regret.

Spitefully,

An Adopted Southerner Who Can't Take the Heat

Dear Weeds in My Front Flower Beds,

Are you serious?  Are you SERIOUS?  I know I've been gone for two weeks, but this is just ridiculous.  How did you possibly overtake everything in that amount of time?  Do you realize our yard is directly across the street from the best landscaped yard in the neighborhood?  How do you think your mess makes us look?

Enjoy your reign and pray that the heat wave from hell lasts, because as soon as it's over, you're over.

Sincerely,

The Gardener Who Seems Cursed to Encourage the Undesirable